Divorce.

Yes, It is true I am getting a divorce.

I don't know if George knows it's coming or not but I really don't care anymore I've been talking to my attorneys all week and waiting for the meeting to figure out what exactly is going to happen and when i figure out each step of the way then I'll tell everyone who deserves to know, but all the friends know what is going on just not the family because I know that they will try and talk me out of it or say go to church and it will help my marriage or go to consuling. But Seriousally I am done I just really want to find someone to be with someone who is going to help me and is going to support me in anything and everything that I want to do, & George isn't doing that. I've tried working on this with him but how can i make it work with him if I am the only one trying? So, I am done. I love him but i'm not in love anymore I have moved on with him at my side and that isn't right but this is why we need to divorce I asked for a seperation and he said if I leave then it's done so you know what let it be then. I wasn't such a bitch to him and now that's what is happening and I don't want that, I want and need and deserve to be happy and he deserves the same and the only way we can do that is if we move on with our lives and be the best possible parents to a 2 year old.

Plus- I kind of met someone and nothing is serious and I've only been talking to him a few weeks and george has heard me talk about him but probally doesn't know what is going on... and I'm gonna go visit him soon. I really like this guy and he just makes me feel special. But Idk- what will happen weather or not this works out I just hope I can be his friend because I enjoy the conversations we have. I just know I need to move on with my life and learn how to be the independent mom who can stand on her own 2 feet without help from anyone, I have to do this for my son and for me. But mainly for him. I love you baby!

I just want to find happiness and I don't know if i ever will.... but I know it's alot worse being here because if he touches me im annoyed tries kissing me i just want to hit him calls me babe i would beat him and thats not healthy, this marriage is over. I tried he didn't, i'm not the one to blame I can't make a make this marriage work on my own he has to meet me half way and he failed to do so and he was given way to many chances and screwed up and made me feel like crap. GAME OVER.

i appoligize for the last post

I was just really upset with george I mean I guess me feeling lonely and depressed got the better of me and made me a complete bitch. Because since he doesn't like to communicate with me and when I try and he really doesn't answer me back it makes me feelreally stressed out because then everything stays bottled in until the bitch in myself gets out and a lot of shit happened yesterday but it was my fault weather he wants to admit it or not. But were going to go to consuling and see what we can work out about everything that is going on with us... And I just hope we can make it work but I feel so guilty because he put my mom in the middle of it and I yelled at her and I never seen her cry before I just hope she doesn't hate me because when I saw that I was already kicking myself in the ass- that's why I got even more pissed off me and georges problem are our own we don't need to be involving anyone else except for those involved. So sorry for those who had to hear about it...

shaking of how pissed off i am

dude like what the fuck!!! GEORGE IS A FUCKING PUSSY!!! CANT HANDLE SHIT LIKE A REAL MAN HAS TO BE A LITTLE PUSSY AND CALL MY MOM BECAUSE HES NOTHING BUT A LITTLE BITCH BUT YOU KNOW WHAT THATS OKAY BECAUSE WE'RE NOT GOING TO BE TOGETHER ANYMORE AND COME MONDAY MORNING I WILL BE CALLING THE ATTORNEY GENERAL SO THAT I CAN PUT CHILD SUPPORT ON HIS ASS HE WANTS TO FUCK WITH ME I CAN BE THE BADDEST BITCH IN THIS TOWN AND I DON'T CARE. HE CAN BE WITH JENNIFER IF HE WANTS BUT YOU KNOW WHAT I'VE GIVEN UP AND I'M TIRED OF BEING SOO DAMN MISERABLE WITH HIS PUSSY ASS. SO FUCK THAT! HE CAN BE WITH WHOEVER HE WANTS AND I DOUBT ANYONE WILL WANT HIM WHEN HE HAS A EX WIFE WHO IS A BITCH*ME* WHO ALSO HAS 2 KIDS AND 2 BABY MAMAS AND IS PAYING CHILD SUPPORT ON BOTH OF THEM AND HE WONT HAVE MONEY FOR HIMSELF. HAHAH! YES I AM PISSED OFF

i want to feel better about myself

So Maybe the difficulties are that I am insecure about my own body... what ya think? I think so. My husband says he loves me and that he is always bragging about me so maybe it's my own insecurities about my body that has my feeling the way that I am.
This could deffintely be true... who knows right? but anyway so we bought the wii fit i think over this past weekend and tonight was my first time playing it and oh my gosh, i feel like i could be sweating i have heat feeling all over my body so it must be doing the job that it is supposed to be. so i need to start eating right taking my pills an occasional herbalife shake and tea and etc. and then burn about 600 calories a day. sounds good to me so hopefully this works :D

love doesn't exist

I am really trying to convince myself that love really doesn't exist anymore, I am trying not to feel hurt i drew today thinking of how peyton sawyer thought of love and the one thing that kept running through my mind over and over again was "they always leave" and i mean i know that i am married and everything but it doesn't mean that i can't feel hurt or that my heart is breaking because i am hurt and my heart IS breaking. It's like he's cheating on me only he isn't. As of right now i'm not even sure of anything I don't know if he's flirting with another woman having sex with her or he just doesn't give a rats ass about me anymore, if any of that is the case he needs to speak up and stop leaving me in the dark because right now i am so miserable that i am just coming off as a straight up bitch, and I've never ever wanted to treat him that way because I know that he's been through enough crap like that but... am i asking for too much? No I am not. Just be a husband don't be someone who i live with and every now and then share benefits if I wanted that hell I could do that without even being married. I just want him to love and BE IN love with me... show me you love me kiss me like you mean it have sex with me because you've never wanted me more don't do those things because you feel obligated to do so. I've never been in love with someone more in my life.... i just need you to talk to me.... you talk to everyone else but me and it effin sucks. If you love Jennifer tell me if you love Claudia tell me. There just needs to be communcation line and it has to be open and if you don't want that there is no point in us even being together.

in reguards to my last post

The only thing that I truly meant was about my husbands ex. And that I also want to say that I don't like drama so that's why I never give my 2 cents because if my life revolved around it I would put in my piece of info the only thing I have to say is me and george will be together no matter what anyone thinks and it hurts me more than anything to see 2 of the people who I love most and care about most in this world. It sucks but life moves on all we can do is pray for those who wish us harm and teach our children not to be that way.

eff you b-i-t-c-h-e-s

First off stay out of my life.

Don't you stupid adults have anything better to do than to gossip about people on fb? i guess not dumb hoes maybe you should stop gossiping and drinking that hater ade and maybe the other kids apart of your life who will be lucky if they don't turn out like you. Listen to me good and clear I'm not going anywhere and if you don't want nothing to do with us let me say this once your making me EXTREAMLY HAPPY!!! I mean You judged me before you go to know me you talked shit about me without even knowing what I am about, and if you ever stick my sons name in your mouth again trust me your life will be a living hell and MY HUSBAND will have nothing to do with you and I don't care if your blood or not, his son is more important than your skanky lazy ass, and this goes out to his ex as well you need to get over your damn self and realize he has more than one kid now and he will not jump when you say jump i will make a damn sure of that you jealous hoe. get over it. he loves me and i love him and the three of us are the perfect family weather you would like to accept that or not.

we're good.

I talked to him this morning and he said he wants to work it out with me. Although- I am still upset about the fact that he told his mom he was done with me, those kinds of things shouldn't be brought up unless it's a fact and it really hurt me to hear that i didn't go back to sleep until after 7am. I had a huge headache and couldn't sleep because of it and so i used a rag on my head and it helped alot i got my son out at 1030 from his bed and went back to sleep or half a sleep while he watched tv i opened up my eyes about every 10 minutes and he was fine and playing and watching one of his favorite shows "sid the science kid" and then went to check the mail and attorney general papers came in although they didn't send what i was looking for so george is probally going to have to call back so i can write it down.
and i didn't see any address as of where to send payment too????? anywho. got to go and get rhylans birth cirtificate to take over there to the attorney general so that they can lower the child support... haha his ex is gonna be pissed. oh well!

I'll love you no matter what

It's 7:18am. and I have only had maybe an hour if not more of sleep.
I've been crying since last night, I heard my husband or possibly ex husband say that he was done with me, he didn't even tell me he told his mom.

I'm tired of him opening up to his mom not me, didn't he choose me to be his wife so that he can talk to me? If I am feeling shitty I let him know.

Last night We had a huge burst out, he called my mom to come over which in my opinion was stupid and childish wah wah wah my wife didn't let me sleep in the room, get over it. You treat me like dirt you sleep downstairs, it was not going to kill him now was it? No.

He came home banging on the door and this was scaring the crap out of me and I was so scared to open the door because i thought he was going to attack me I seriousally thought that. I am scared for him to touch me right now,

But yet, I am more terrified of us not being together anymore. Maybe he's been waiting for an excuse for us to break up.

I don't know.

What I do know is I am so deeply and madly in love with this man and I even though I have the biggest migraine and My heart is filled with nothing but pain I want nothing more for him to come home and just tell me exactly how much he loves me and everything else. I don't count on him doing that... He might be leaving me today. I don't know... But I am scared of that. I've never been so in love before...

I just never wanted rhylan growing up with a mom and dad around him 24/7. it sucks!

Please god. Please. I pray to you this morning asking you to help with our problems and help us work this out.

I don't believe in divorce but we do have to, I will never re-marry again. I love this man for the long haul, I actually meant it when I said "I do" Until death do us part for me anyway. Maybe he lied, and thought it's what he wanted.

Please,Please.

I will always Love you George... weather you do or don't. that's your decision but you'll always have the key to my heart.

Thinking about my dad yet again....

I don't know why but I think today I have been thinking alot about him wishing I had a relationship with him but it will never happen because of the wife he has, ever since she walked into his life our relationship turned from something to nothing.

I remember this one time I was maybe 11-12 and I had previousaly fractured my ankle and I brought my "boot" to play with wear and I on accident I stepped on her kids foot and she screamed at me to take it off and I remember getting quiet and i ran into my dads house & I cried. He Didn't defend me then.

Or When she yelled at me because she blamed me for breaking the computer he did defend me then but he still forgave her for it, and neither one of those times did she appoligize to me.

Or yelling at me when I had a pill that some guy gave me back in school because i told her kid if she wanted it, when I was messing around with her I was never going to let her take it I would have laughed it off. My dad actually wanted to take me down to the police station for it and the only reason he didn't was because his truck didn't work.

Or the time his wife was spreading MY BUSINESS around her family that's when I stopped trusting her and found out the hard way that I could never tell her anything.

Or the time she told her daughter not to mess with me and try to stay away from me because I was a bad kid and a bad influence. Are you kidding me? Her Kid Named Brittany Michelle Raybon (wishes her last name was Morrow) told me over and over again to hook her up with someone because she was desperate to have a boyfriend and totally desperate to loose her Virginity. You shouldn't have to be rushed into Virginity you should take your time getting there.

But I feel Like I've always been so lost without having a Dad around, like when I had banquets and she couldn't come he would say that he wasn't coming then.

Or the time he actually came from Brazoria to Corpus Christi for my tennis tournament back in the 8th grade. He dropped me off and the skanks kid off at my tournament while he went back to pick the skanky wife at the hotel because she wasn't done putting on her makeup it would take years to make her look beautiful.

So by the time He got back I had already played my match (and lost) but yet he always gets mad because I never invited him to any of my functions or whatever you want to call them. you wanna know why? because your there more for your wife than me.

not to mention that he bought her kid a 2 cars wrecked them. not to mention insurance.

oh and let's see theres the part where he paid for his wife to have surgery because she was getting fatter and she couldn't loose the weight because she was so damn lazy.

then let's see.... he had to pay all that money insurance didn't cover it. and i asked for an ipod touch and yet that's too expensive. asshole

it just breaks my heart to know i don't have a dad and that i got replaced. it truly sucks for me.

It feels like a part of me is missing and it always will be. Because I haven't had a dad since I was about 8 years old when Sherry left.

ever since he's thrown me out to the curb.

but yet I still in a way kind of my son to know his grandfather.

Because he's to ask me one day where my father is...

Hmmm... I guess this questioned will always be un-answered. or I could use my sister's advice and say that he doesn't need to know who he is...

Baby Mama Drama is ALWAYS the worst.

Well my husbands ex- Milissa Rosales or as I like to call her "that bitch" is trying to get more money out of us and we might have to be forced into getting an attorney because this bitch needs to realize that we have a child of our own not just his other child, and I will make sure of that. Just because of his kids has a whore for a mom doesn't mean MY son needs to suffer because of it. I think he has an amazing daughter but there is so much about this situation that she just does not even understand, But like my mom said it's not her fault because she didn't ask to be born and I'm not blaming my husband I'm just glad we're together now so that he doesn't make anymore mistakes like Milissa. I have heard over and over from his mom and everyone else how much of a mistake she was and I laughed when he was telling his dad about the drama and everyones advice is totally right about her, He will not let her push him around because if she does it again I will open my mouth weather that bitch gets mad or not, she is not my family and I will never invite her into it. Like for my son's 2nd birthday I invited Ilissa, and Ilissa only and her and her other daughter and her kid and her stupid fatass boyfriends kids too and her nephews like who the fuck invited them? I didn't. SO let me say this again you will not take more money from me HOE! I am going to fight for my man and my son. Just know that I am a bitch who has NEVER liked you but only put up with you just like the rest of his family does. Nobody likes you and everyone has agreed that you were always the mistake. Remember God will not put you through what he can't take you through.

dont push me away

I feel like you keep pushing me
Further and futher away
And its hard for me to accept that
Because I love you more than words could ever describe
I love you ten times more than ill ever
Be able to show you.
You are my soul mate and ill never give up on you
And I hope that you'll never give up on me
So stop pushing me away
Pull me close to you; kiss me
And make passionate love to me.
I love you and that will never stop
Nor will it ever change
Or go away.

Brokenhearted

i wrote this poem today after being pissed about george not wanting to communicate with me.

here it is:

"Broken hearted"

I feel like I'm so alone
in this crazy world
not knowing what to do
feeling so empty and so alone
with no on to talk to
with no one to love me
but my first born son
waiting to just lay in a hole
and cry until the pain goes away
feeling like my
heart has shattered
with the pain in my stomach
i just want to feel numb
instead of this horrible pain
that lies in my heart
i love you-but yet youve
seemed to cause pain
to me and to my heart

Written By: Victoria Vera
July 22,2010

why do THEY keep pushing me...

I want to know why my mom keeps pushing me into being in contact with my dad, if he wants a "relationship" with me it should be on his end-i'm not going to him anymore i'm just not, not only that George doesn't like seeing me so upset over how my dad treats me or let his skanky wife do, and i would never do that and nor will I ever put my son around that he is my world- and if i was ever with someone else i would never in a million years let them talk to him however they wanted my son is my #1 and i do what is best for him and not for what is best for myself. Anyways that's all for now... Rhylan turns 2 tomorrow!!! ahhh. then his party saturday! woot wooot wooooot!

a little scared

so george got off work today and took a shower... that NEVER EVER happens, I have to tell him to take one when he really STANKS because usually he'll take one right before bed... why did he shower? was he with someone? idk- it has me worried- did he do something? idk i am probally tripping. but what if im not? idk- i hope not i don't wanna loose my new family they rock and their my world, idk. well anita and the clan will be here in about 3 weeks! and my party is in 2 weeks as well as my birthday oh my gosh i can not even begin to tell you how excited i am. i just wanna be with my husband more than anything i want to work out our marriage problems and i want us to be the golden couple that everyone envies. hopefully that happens....

thinking thinking thinking

so i've been extreamly "down" lately- I can't stop but help think of Zeke- I didn't even go to the room where Zeke was- I just couldn't after Isabel passed away it was extreamly hard for me to get over the death and of me loosing her.. and that's why I really didn't want too it's just WAY to hard for me to deal with because now I am TERRIFIED of death. I want to get to a point to where I accept it and I want to be totally in sync with JESUS, and I wanna have a closer relationship with all my in laws and my brother for that matter, I don't want to regret anything I want to be happy and love life and everyone in it-but onto other things I got a comment thing from Milissa and idk it said it was from ilissa that she got offended because she wasn't listed as my daughter- I didn't know if that would be okay with her because it kind of feels like de-ja vu because when i was 8 my dad met his whore of a girlfriend/wife whatev-and she controlled everything and he never stuck up for me and he never spent time alone with me and he did everything with her brat of a daughter and he lived in angleton and i lived in corpus some things are different her dad(george) lives in corpus and she lives in angleton i don't control stuff and i tell him to go spend time with her alone or with both the kids and i don't have a kid of my own nor would i ever want him to spend more time with my non exsisting other child than his own because that's not right but anyway back to the point i would be pissed if she listed me as her daughter i would throw my fit so bad she wouldn't know what hit her. So I didn't know where the limit was and now I know and it actually makes me happy to hear that she wanted me to post that she was my daughter it's not that i wanted her to be offended it's that she wants me to call her my daughter as well it really did because a while back i got into that fight w/ claudia and she said ilissa didn't even like me so it made me happy because if she was offended that means she likes me :) yay! well anyway- that's all for now.

everything going on.

well unfortunately the prayer didn't work not that it didn't work but GOD needed Zeke. Zeke passed away Tuesday morning, I am so sad about this... I did cry a little bit- I didn't know him to well I only saw him maybe about 5 times during the course of my relationship with George, but it doesn't mean that I wasn't sad about. But He's with GOD right now and his Lovely Wife Gloria. So we'll be going to Victoria tomorrow after my huney gets out of work so that we can so be there for the family, I just feel so sad because we saw him 2 days before he passed away we did say goodbye and george got to tell him that he loved him I just wished that my babe would have talked to him more.. But When we did see him I could see that he was in pain it hurt me alot because Zeke lost his life the same way my grandfather did and then I was about 11-12 years old so I really don't remember if my grandpa was suffering or if he was in pain. I just hate that anybody has to go through this. But anyway- the herbalife party is on Sunday. hopefully going to make some money and then rhylans birthday is coming up in about 2 weeks and 1 day and we're really excited that he's finally going to turn 2... but not ready for the TERRIBLE TWOS! and then in about 3 and 1/2 weeks is my 21st birthday! woot woot! no idea on what we're doing it.. but IT HAS TO BE BIG! haha :) anyways this is all for now. oh yeah and then about a week or maybe two later is me and my honeys 3 year ANNIVERSARY! yeah! lol ciao!

i have one of the best worlds the other not so good

well yesterday was supposed to be a good day spending with my family.. but it wasn't.
well... we go to the bank and what happens? a cash and go check went through a check that was supposed to be shredded but wasn't. how horrible are they! but anywho we had to pay $30 for them to stop that check, so now- yeah i've been talking it over with George about switching his bank accounts to maybe mine or even a different bank just so that we can avoid all of these money problems, but I am working really hard to try and bring in some more money so that's why i'm trying to figure out some things if i could work i would but i can't, 1) I can't afford the childcare & 2)no way to get there lol... but we're working on getting me a car it's kind of hard doing things with no car... but i must make sacrifices for me and my family, but anywho the good part about yesterday? well for me no more pocket! butttt.I got sprint and i finally got my blackberry! my real blackberry not one that looks like one whoo hoo! & i absolutely love it! plus i can do more buisness on it. and that will be good for us i'm just praying and hoping i can make some more money and not let anyone think i'm just mooching. he's my husband and i love him more than life even if i do hate him 10% of the time. but 90% i'm madly in love :) Anyways that's all for now!

So I've been doing alot of thinking

So first off- I need to graduate & I've been looking over some online GED it's easy and convienent for me for someone who is trying to finish their high school education who happens to also be a stay at home mom and wife, and with no car.. it's hard for me plus no money to be able to afford child care so I need to get that taken care of and I really need a job I don't really want to work but I NEED to, it's not a want it's a need and I need to do more things to make more money it's just going to be alot easier being able to bring in more money so that we're not always struggling with bills.

then here is another thing that has been on my mind- I want to really write a book. about the relationship that I have with my dad but yet not making it out as an autobiography making it a drama telling book/novel. I just really want to do this that not every father/daughter relationship is about a dad protecting his daughter or loving her unconditionally and i will send a copy to him myself and there will be no dedication to him in any kind of way, because he was never there for me, and he deserves it. I just really wish that I had a dad and it sucks that I don't and I'll always have the feeling of something missing and it sucks, but there is nothing that I can do about this, he caused this upon himself end of story.

then- today was one of the greatest days that I had with George, we went to a few stores today I cooked us some spagetti and boy was it yummy! I think I'm going to make him some enchiladas tomorrow. :) but he just kept coming up to me from behind and holding me and just kissing me on my lips my cheecks and all around my neck :) then when we were watching the game *go celtics* he pulled me from where i was and sat me on his lap for me to kiss him, it was so romantically cute.

loosing weight has been a challenge my weight keeps going up and down. which sux! i need to loose 42 pounds! yikes!

i hope your okay zeke.

well things haven't been great- well my husbands uncle, so i guess he's my uncle too since i'm married to my hubby lol idk. but anywho so about a month ago maybe longer... my husband's uncle Zeke got diagnosed with cancer and just yesterday my mother in law said that they took my father in law outside the room and said that there was no hope for him which makes me really sad and i even started to almost cried but i blinked away the tears, even though i don't know him very well and i haven't had many conversations with him, it still makes me sad that my husband is going to be very sad when it's time for him to move onto a better place. I know that when my husband talks to his uncle zeke on the phone he gets very happy and i don't wanna see him sad, it hurts you when the ones u care about the most are heart broken. It really does hurt my heart, But I know I'm going to have to be the strong one for my husband because I know he's going to lean on me for a shoulder to cry on and also for some support. I am praying for you zeke and i hope your doing a lot better, we all love you and are praying for your like crazy, and we're always going to be thinking of you.