update.

well things have been going well just trying to stay strict with my diet and trying to keep the weight off i lost about 13 pounds but then gained 3 back so it's a struggle but i just need to arrange my diet and have a routine so that doesn't happen- but over all i am doing soo great! and i am so happy to see my mom loosing weight and getting more healthy! it's good for her and i just wish my sister would use herbalife to loose weight and be healthy but i don't think she will and i just hope she doesn't get diabetic because of the weight and the fact that is does run in our family, but who knows? and i just really want her to stop handing off her kids to everyone, it's like she wants to have kids but not have the responsibility for them and that really pisses me off!!! but anywho- on to new things... my 21st birthday is coming up and i am getting soooo effin xcited!! i have no idea what i want to do yet but we'll see what kind of events come up for that day.... then rhylan's 2nd birthday party is coming up as well and we're exciting for my baby because he is going to get sooo spoiled :D but technically that's my day too since i went through all of that hard work bringing him into this world :) then the party we're having for herbalife.... then sometime during the summer Anita & her daughter are coming to see George's uncle Zeke. I'm kind of nervous about that though- I don't want any problems for George... Maybe I'll just sit this one out!! Who knows?
Well anyways, this is all for now. TATA!

i just want him to care....

I just want him to ask how my day was or if i burn myself on the burner say "are you ok" or just come up to me just to say i love you. just to text me and say "i miss you" he used to do everything like that... everyone was jealous of what we have. and now? i'm jealous of what they have. i just want the old george back, and i honestly don't know if that will ever happen. i am so depressed and he's not willing to make me happy. as long as he's happy then no one else matters. i just wish that i was able to drink like there was no tomorrow because then i could hide the pain with liquor. i would be a drunk, but then nobody would know how i felt, because i would be able to hide it by drinking. this sucks! :(

i hate this crap!

so a few days ago me and george had sex or as he likes to say "he made love to his wife" hehe he's the bessst! anywho- so now a few days later i only get my period from what i've noticed when me and george have sex and i honestly think that's so weird, but anywho- now i am in extreamly bad back ache pain it's horrible i think i would just feel a whole lot better if i could cry... but guess what? i can't. but yeah but other than that- last night me being so pissed about going to George's brothers? It wasn't that I was pissed it was just like I felt like I was told we were going I probally would have agreed if I was just asked, that's all I wanted. I mean I love every single one of my in-laws to death and I am one of the most outgoing people IN THE WORLD! but just ask! Grrr! LOL- But yeah it was David,Pat,Roland,Alex,Bridgette, Roland's 2 kids George & Myself- everyone was pretty much drunk except for me of course! I only had 2 drinks and that's because I had to make myself drink the 2nd one!! It was pretty damn strong! LOL!!! But I had a good night with my husband but I just really wanna "be with him" more and him to be more open! I think that's why i've been so bitchy and I hate being that way towards him, but This week Maybe Thursday I wanna cook a GREAT dinner for him, and maybe a dessert to just to show him how much I love him and how much I appriciate him for everything he does for our family and how i would marry him over and over again and not change a thing. He told me when we reach 10 years that he wants to re-new our vows and baby we'll get there, maybe next time we can have a beach wedding!! woot woot. but only our family can be there.. if that! lol. I just want something intimate (like i wanted the first time around!!) well other than that.. i've been on the search for a beautiful green dress! i want to wear some of my mothers day gifts and they are green so ugh. lol but i'm probally just going to have to wear the pink dress and then wear some cute jewelry... like the braclet/necklace my sister in law gave me from Hawaii... so yeah. i just need to find some damn matching shoes!!
lol. we bought my 21st birthday invitations today!! we bought like 24 invites for about 3 dollars. lol... so far on my guest list- Tania,Jacob,Gayla,Evelyn,Marissa,Michelle&Joe,Stacy,Paul,Trey,David & etc and idk who else yet- the only person out of those I can almost guarantee is Evelyn. I just need to find out what I can do so that the party isn't BORING! Like who wants to be bored at a 21st birthday party? not me. I gotta plan,plan,plan. :) if you have any ideas please let me know.

drinks,and decorations is what I need help with!!!!!!

feeling kind of depressed

i don't know what to do about this deasease that has a habbit of always coming back i hate it and my husband is just making it worse, i don't know there are times when i hate his guts times when i love him like no other (other than rhylan and my mom) times when i think i want him to leave times when i think i want a divorce or a seperation and times when i want no one to believe we're married other times when i want to see what would happen if a beautiful women were to approach him with and without a wedding ring. IDK- he says he's not very communitive and that he's not going to change but i need something, it's making my heart more and making me shut down!! and making me feel insecure, it took me years to put myself in a confident state and not always be so quiet but now it's returning and i don't know what to do, i just wish there was someone to talk too about this.

so much drama....

so last weekend was probally one of the worst weekends in my life.... i don't want to get into every single datail but long story short my dad's stupid wife and her stupid daughter caused some un-necessary drama which was caused by my dad for giving his stupid STEP daughter my number, if i wanted her to have it i would have given it to her in the first place, end of story. stupid man! so i talked to my dad's ex girlfriend Sherry, she has always been there for me through thick and thin and everytime my dad let me down or whatever was going to i talked to My mom and my sister and sherry she was always there for me to talk to, and i'm so happy she's not with my dad though, she is way too good for him and i am so happy she finally met someone who made her happy and i'm so happy their married, sherry really does deserve the best! anywho- so yeah he didn't defend me over his STAIN so i said eff it. i'm done with that drama and i don't want any part of it, I have my amazing husband George and our beautiful little boy Rhylan and my AWESOME step daughter Ilissa Nicole. :) they are my world! Especially with the help of all of my inlaws and my mom and siblings and nephews! SO that's that. Well in 6 days we'll be in south carolina, I am excited to go, since I haven't been on a plain since I was 11 or 12 years old... so I'm nervous and Just hoping that everything goes well, and everything. I am going to pack for us Thursday! So that By Saturday all we have to worry about is leaving. then we leave sunday and come back thursday. then me and my hubby can spend time together on his vacation!! we're due for some alone time together!! I'm thinking about going to the ER on his vacation... I've been having alot of back pains and horrible stomach pains... they suck! but hopefully the DR's there will be able to figure out what is going on with my body. But yeah- This week I am back on the herbalife diet. which should be good, so that I can be healthy and loose the weight that I need to loose, I want to feel great and feel great about myself, and that's something I do need. I want to step inside a room and someone be like damn! and I'm doing this the healthy way instead of getting some weight loss surgery... who inspired me? myself my mom and of course the BIGGEST LOSER. Along with my husband. We're voting for Sunshine to win! but if not her... then Sam or maybe Even Koli. Who knows? But for the at home challenge? O'Niel. or Drea. But yeah- well I'm just glad I have someone to do the Herbalife with... my best friend... My MOMMY! :) It's going to be great! Well tonight we used Skype for the first time!! We talked to George's sister Anita... "Debbie" It was cool, because she got to see Rhylan for the first time.... even me too! Even though I looked like crap! LOL- Buttttt! Um, I finally finished go ask alice, and it was a horrible book but I am going to keep it.. for my kids to read. It's a true story about what drugs can do to you. But- It's also Life touching, you can feel how real it really is. well that's all for now! G'nite. God Bless Everyone! && Please everyone pray for us for our flight and for us to arrive there and back SAFELY!

we had a rough day....

george upset me today about me 2 dishes not being washed the dishwasher just didn't do it's job so i was going to do it before he snapped at me about it- but whatever. so rhylan and i went upstairs and he tumbles down the stairs and my heart beated so fast and i ran but george caught him and rhylan was crying not because he hurt himself but because he was scared but george busted his lip and hurt his leg for our son, he's my hero for today other than that GOD and Rhylan and George and my mom and my brother are my favorite Hero's!! but yeah he said he slid to catch him my baby boy fell and i grabbed him from george so fast and i just started crying it scared the living hell out of me, my baby got hurt... he is my absolute everything! but I'm glad that rhylan and george are okay :D and... later on i just got really worried and started crying but george conforted me... and told me that rhylan was okay and that it was an accident- but i was just happy that i had a good man in my arms to hold me and make everything better!! I just want to be the good wife for him just like he's the BEST man in the world for me... i wouldn't change anything because I know it's not often to find a good man for someone or even a good wife... I mean just look at my dad! Don't get me wrong I like the fact that he and my mom met because then I wouldn't be here and then I wouldn't have met George and then I wouldn't be the mother to an absolutely amazing handsome and cute as can be child.. named Rhylan Zane, BUT- I am so happy more than words can ever say that he and my mother are no longer together.. do i like his new wife and her kid? hell to the NO! I mean he always and i mean always asks me if i like her i just say yes to shut him up, but i've never liked her! and nor will i ever and she will NEVER and I mean NEVER be allowed anywhere near my son! i hate her. end of story. but i just don't really like my dad and it's like i'm always trying to hang up with him before he says i love you so that i don't have to say it back or if i do i don't mean it! but-
he asked me once that if i wanted i could leave rhylan with him for a weekend but there will be in no way possible that i will ever leave him for a weekend with that crazy family of his. first off- i will not leave him around that whores daughter Brittany Michelle Raybon. stupid girl thinks she is my dads daughter haha. if i didn't know my dad i'd say be his daughter! but it just pisses me off that he always does more for her than he's ever done for me in a lifetime, it sucks and the feeling sucks! i feel depressed and like a apart of me is missing because of it! i think it would some-what be better if i never knew him... because then i wouldn't be soooo dissapointed. IDK- I'm just glad that rhylan has a dad that will always be there for him!

It came back...

Well tonight I went shopping with my mom (and she insisted we bring rhylan, ugh.) LOL not that I love him, because I love him with every part of my little being but it's hard to really shop with a toddler! We're going to be going to church soon, so that's the reason for the shopping emergency! hehe. But I wanna feel good/better about myself so I think I always try to look my BEST when i'm in church, usually... not with Glory because well, I didn't like the church-but I am sure that I will LOVE this new church! :) Well tonight I tried to talk "sexy" to George... But- He didn't like it, and it's really starting to DEPRESS me! He was going into the shower tonight and i told him that he better shut the door/lock the door because i was going to "rape" him and he just laughed it off and i told him that i wanted an answer but he didn't all he did was close the door.... so he comes down stairs from the shower and he tries to kiss me goodnight but i pull away and i say "No, I'm mad at you" and he asks why so i told him that he didn't answer me and he says I'll Answer you when your serious, and i said i was and still nothing. I heart kind of sunk really low!! & I felt the depression... the depression is indeed back... I'm going to be going to the ER soon, and I am hoping that they can treat my depression there as well... I'm just scared.... I miss the man who I fell in love with.... The man I fell in love with was always talking about sex and could bearly keep his hands off of me, and now? anytime i mention sex he ignores me... and as far as touching me? it's a miracle if he does touch me... I just don't know what to do anymore, I just feel really sad. I just think he should go out of town by himself and maybe I just need a few days to think to be by myself and think about everything, and maybe it would do him some good as well. I love him more than anything him & rhylan & my mommy and JESUS. are my life, my world. but I'm just really confused....