feeling kind of depressed

i don't know what to do about this deasease that has a habbit of always coming back i hate it and my husband is just making it worse, i don't know there are times when i hate his guts times when i love him like no other (other than rhylan and my mom) times when i think i want him to leave times when i think i want a divorce or a seperation and times when i want no one to believe we're married other times when i want to see what would happen if a beautiful women were to approach him with and without a wedding ring. IDK- he says he's not very communitive and that he's not going to change but i need something, it's making my heart more and making me shut down!! and making me feel insecure, it took me years to put myself in a confident state and not always be so quiet but now it's returning and i don't know what to do, i just wish there was someone to talk too about this.