we had a rough day....

george upset me today about me 2 dishes not being washed the dishwasher just didn't do it's job so i was going to do it before he snapped at me about it- but whatever. so rhylan and i went upstairs and he tumbles down the stairs and my heart beated so fast and i ran but george caught him and rhylan was crying not because he hurt himself but because he was scared but george busted his lip and hurt his leg for our son, he's my hero for today other than that GOD and Rhylan and George and my mom and my brother are my favorite Hero's!! but yeah he said he slid to catch him my baby boy fell and i grabbed him from george so fast and i just started crying it scared the living hell out of me, my baby got hurt... he is my absolute everything! but I'm glad that rhylan and george are okay :D and... later on i just got really worried and started crying but george conforted me... and told me that rhylan was okay and that it was an accident- but i was just happy that i had a good man in my arms to hold me and make everything better!! I just want to be the good wife for him just like he's the BEST man in the world for me... i wouldn't change anything because I know it's not often to find a good man for someone or even a good wife... I mean just look at my dad! Don't get me wrong I like the fact that he and my mom met because then I wouldn't be here and then I wouldn't have met George and then I wouldn't be the mother to an absolutely amazing handsome and cute as can be child.. named Rhylan Zane, BUT- I am so happy more than words can ever say that he and my mother are no longer together.. do i like his new wife and her kid? hell to the NO! I mean he always and i mean always asks me if i like her i just say yes to shut him up, but i've never liked her! and nor will i ever and she will NEVER and I mean NEVER be allowed anywhere near my son! i hate her. end of story. but i just don't really like my dad and it's like i'm always trying to hang up with him before he says i love you so that i don't have to say it back or if i do i don't mean it! but-
he asked me once that if i wanted i could leave rhylan with him for a weekend but there will be in no way possible that i will ever leave him for a weekend with that crazy family of his. first off- i will not leave him around that whores daughter Brittany Michelle Raybon. stupid girl thinks she is my dads daughter haha. if i didn't know my dad i'd say be his daughter! but it just pisses me off that he always does more for her than he's ever done for me in a lifetime, it sucks and the feeling sucks! i feel depressed and like a apart of me is missing because of it! i think it would some-what be better if i never knew him... because then i wouldn't be soooo dissapointed. IDK- I'm just glad that rhylan has a dad that will always be there for him!

It came back...

Well tonight I went shopping with my mom (and she insisted we bring rhylan, ugh.) LOL not that I love him, because I love him with every part of my little being but it's hard to really shop with a toddler! We're going to be going to church soon, so that's the reason for the shopping emergency! hehe. But I wanna feel good/better about myself so I think I always try to look my BEST when i'm in church, usually... not with Glory because well, I didn't like the church-but I am sure that I will LOVE this new church! :) Well tonight I tried to talk "sexy" to George... But- He didn't like it, and it's really starting to DEPRESS me! He was going into the shower tonight and i told him that he better shut the door/lock the door because i was going to "rape" him and he just laughed it off and i told him that i wanted an answer but he didn't all he did was close the door.... so he comes down stairs from the shower and he tries to kiss me goodnight but i pull away and i say "No, I'm mad at you" and he asks why so i told him that he didn't answer me and he says I'll Answer you when your serious, and i said i was and still nothing. I heart kind of sunk really low!! & I felt the depression... the depression is indeed back... I'm going to be going to the ER soon, and I am hoping that they can treat my depression there as well... I'm just scared.... I miss the man who I fell in love with.... The man I fell in love with was always talking about sex and could bearly keep his hands off of me, and now? anytime i mention sex he ignores me... and as far as touching me? it's a miracle if he does touch me... I just don't know what to do anymore, I just feel really sad. I just think he should go out of town by himself and maybe I just need a few days to think to be by myself and think about everything, and maybe it would do him some good as well. I love him more than anything him & rhylan & my mommy and JESUS. are my life, my world. but I'm just really confused....

i hate when i feel this way....

i don't know for some reason today just wasn't the best day for me, I feel great when I go to workout @ the gym I love when I sweat because then I know that I'm doing something good, I know that I'm working towards something, then when I'm eating healthy it just makes me feel better but when i'm eating healthy and not working out it doesn't seem that i'm working towards something and i haven't gone to the gym in about a week because i've been busy moving into the new apartment and trying to put everything where it belongs, but from anniville to the gym it's a good distance and that's alot of gas and i need to see if there is an allternate route, like to find some workouts that do work that i can do at home, and not have to drive into town 3-4 days a week, and it hurts like my husband isn't happy to see me all the time he says he is, but maybe it's all in my head maybe it's just me maybe i'm just too insecure about myself to see that he really is loving and being affectionate with me, or maybe if i am feeling this way then that means there is something wrong??? i don't know i got really hott tonight and i couldn't sleep (hence the reason why i am awake so late) so i came downstairs to watch some t.v but while i was laying in bed, i could feel how large my stomach was my theighs and my legs, i just wish i could be the perfectly fit girl, i see girls in the gym all the time and i say why is that skinny bitch at the gym, i wish someone would say that about me but i feel like people are saying and she only comes 3 days a week? bitch needs to come 7. i just wanna be a size 9-10, but instead i'm a 16. i wanna weight what i'm supposed to weight i wanna be able to wear skinny jeans and look good doing it, i just wanna feel sexy and look sexy and i want my husband to just tell me and i want him to WANT ME. I just feel so insecure right now, and i hate that i feel this way... and to top it off I think my brother doesn't concider me his sister i mean we have the same mom but different dads, but me and my sister aren't that way, we're really close, i mean i can pretty much tell her anything that i want to, and vice versa. I mean the only time I talk to him is if I happen to answer my moms phone or if- he comes down to texas which is only once every few years, i talk to his wife more than him but he calls both my mom and sister and sends them both a text, and he does neither. I think the last time I remember him calling to actually talk to me, not for a question or what not- was my 18th birthday (I'm almost 21) and I remember my phone ringing when Isabel passed away, but when she passed I didn't want to talk to anyone but Isabel's family, IDK it just really made me cry I love my brother I really do, but I wonder if he conciders me his real sister or his half sister. It makes me sad.... It's probally all in my mind but this is how I feel.

On my Journey to loosing 30 pounds.


on the bright side, I'm loving the new place (:

i hate when i feel this way....

i don't know for some reason today just wasn't the best day for me, I feel great when I go to workout @ the gym I love when I sweat because then I know that I'm doing something good, I know that I'm working towards something, then when I'm eating healthy it just makes me feel better but when i'm eating healthy and not working out it doesn't seem that i'm working towards something and i haven't gone to the gym in about a week because i've been busy moving into the new apartment and trying to put everything where it belongs, but from anniville to the gym it's a good distance and that's alot of gas and i need to see if there is an allternate route, like to find some workouts that do work that i can do at home, and not have to drive into town 3-4 days a week, and it hurts like my husband isn't happy to see me all the time he says he is, but maybe it's all in my head maybe it's just me maybe i'm just too insecure about myself to see that he really is loving and being affectionate with me, or maybe if i am feeling this way then that means there is something wrong??? i don't know i got really hott tonight and i couldn't sleep (hence the reason why i am awake so late) so i came downstairs to watch some t.v but while i was laying in bed, i could feel how large my stomach was my theighs and my legs, i just wish i could be the perfectly fit girl, i see girls in the gym all the time and i say why is that skinny bitch at the gym, i wish someone would say that about me but i feel like people are saying and she only comes 3 days a week? bitch needs to come 7. i just wanna be a size 9-10, but instead i'm a 16. i wanna weight what i'm supposed to weight i wanna be able to wear skinny jeans and look good doing it, i just wanna feel sexy and look sexy and i want my husband to just tell me and i want him to WANT ME. I just feel so insecure right now, and i hate that i feel this way... and to top it off I think my brother doesn't concider me his sister i mean we have the same mom but different dads, but me and my sister aren't that way, we're really close, i mean i can pretty much tell her anything that i want to, and vice versa. I mean the only time I talk to him is if I happen to answer my moms phone or if- he comes down to texas which is only once every few years, i talk to his wife more than him but he calls both my mom and sister and sends them both a text, and he does neither. I think the last time I remember him calling to actually talk to me, not for a question or what not- was my 18th birthday (I'm almost 21) and I remember my phone ringing when Isabel passed away, but when she passed I didn't want to talk to anyone but Isabel's family, IDK it just really made me cry I love my brother I really do, but I wonder if he conciders me his real sister or his half sister. It makes me sad.... It's probally all in my mind but this is how I feel.

On my Journey to loosing 30 pounds.


on the bright side, I'm loving the new place (:

new things are happening!!

Sorry that I haven't written in a while.. so quite a few things have been going on.. for one my husband is finally caught up with his back child support so we won't be paying $125 a week anymore just $100 (: and then we get to keep our tax refund whoo hoo! we need it too, because we're in the process of MOVING!! we're moving to Anniville though, that's not to bad but it's an amazing step in me and george's relationship/marriage we're starting off fresh (in the words of my husband) we're buying new couches, we're going to buy a new mattress we're soon going to buy a new dresser and we're going to get a rocker chair for me so that i can rock rhylan, because like now he's sick and he's very cuddly with me, so that will be good. We're going to decorate all the rooms different and what I LOVE about this Townhouse is that it has a patio with alot of storage places, and I want to be able to have little get togethers there as VS where we're at now we can't because it's too small i mean 5 people here and it's totally crowded! Like Rhylan's 2nd birthday is coming up & My 21st birthday as well, and now we have the space to do something at the Casa if that's what we decide what we want to do. Anyways, on to the next thing- well when I lost the 6 pounds I was absolutely thrilled so the following week i slacked on my diet and didn't work out like I should have so I gained back 3 pounds so this week I went to work out Wednesday & Thursday night and did good on my diet except once when George's friend brought us WHATABURGER for dinner. (: .... & then today I went to find out my weight at I lost almost 3 pounds. but I did loose 2. so I'm happy about it, In my opinion if i keep going the way I'm doing i think I could loose enough weight by July. But I've gotta "purchase" my birthday outfit by the end of June, so that I can make sure, that for sure it's here by my birthday. SO JESUS HELP ME! Monday-Thursday. Gym at most 2 hours. and eat good and healthy, try my best not have bread products and no coke. Just water, crystal light and my biggest loser protein drinks and of course my supplements, I'm hoping for a double digit weight loss this week.. I've got to buy my new supplements this weekend! Anyways, I'll let everyone know about my process weight loss. I finished another book titled "He's just not that into you" I wasn't into it at all, but my goal is 100 books, and I bought it, So i had better read it. Now it's onto the next book.... Nicolas SParks "Message in the bottle" that's all for now. TTYL

new changes.

so we might be moving by the end of the month! but the bad thing is. we have to arrange some things like the whole spending money deal! but anywho. so pray for us that we get this because we really need more space! and anywho-

so i went to heb last night and discovered what i already knew- last week i got off my diet and i gained a few pounds. 3 pounds to be exact. so i need to go back down and i need to stay on my diet.

i wanna see what happens if i cut out dairy from my diet. totally. and even bread.

i want to hopefully loose 30 pounds by July. Please Jesus help me!!!

My Journey......

things have been going well for me. I have lost 6 pounds and 3 inches from my waist so far, i still have a long way to go, but with the support of my family I know that I can do this! I just need to work out harder and longer and eat the right meals... I went to kmart last week and put some things on lay away for rhylan so that we can get his new room set up for him like his toddler bed, his potty and stuff for his room and etc. and i put a pair of size 10 jeans in there too (cost only $20.00) and thats where i wanna be eventually there's a possibility that i want to be even smaller we just have to see how it looks, i don't wanna be like these anorexic skanks lol so yeah. Rhylan is getting a whole lot smarter, saying a bunch of words like "mom,dad,outside,remote,bottle,box,bird,papa,book,poopoo,trash,fresh" and a whole lot more, I'm enjoying my time with him so much we're not ready for another one yet, I'm not ready to share my love with another child. Anywho- so i'm reading the last book of the Magic in Manhattan series which is called Parties & Potions by Sarah Mlynowski. and we should be getting a house to rent by the summer and I'm excited, because then we'll have my 21st birthday party and rhylans 2nd birthday party. whoo hoo! anyways, that's all for now. <33 my family.