i don't know for some reason today just wasn't the best day for me, I feel great when I go to workout @ the gym I love when I sweat because then I know that I'm doing something good, I know that I'm working towards something, then when I'm eating healthy it just makes me feel better but when i'm eating healthy and not working out it doesn't seem that i'm working towards something and i haven't gone to the gym in about a week because i've been busy moving into the new apartment and trying to put everything where it belongs, but from anniville to the gym it's a good distance and that's alot of gas and i need to see if there is an allternate route, like to find some workouts that do work that i can do at home, and not have to drive into town 3-4 days a week, and it hurts like my husband isn't happy to see me all the time he says he is, but maybe it's all in my head maybe it's just me maybe i'm just too insecure about myself to see that he really is loving and being affectionate with me, or maybe if i am feeling this way then that means there is something wrong??? i don't know i got really hott tonight and i couldn't sleep (hence the reason why i am awake so late) so i came downstairs to watch some t.v but while i was laying in bed, i could feel how large my stomach was my theighs and my legs, i just wish i could be the perfectly fit girl, i see girls in the gym all the time and i say why is that skinny bitch at the gym, i wish someone would say that about me but i feel like people are saying and she only comes 3 days a week? bitch needs to come 7. i just wanna be a size 9-10, but instead i'm a 16. i wanna weight what i'm supposed to weight i wanna be able to wear skinny jeans and look good doing it, i just wanna feel sexy and look sexy and i want my husband to just tell me and i want him to WANT ME. I just feel so insecure right now, and i hate that i feel this way... and to top it off I think my brother doesn't concider me his sister i mean we have the same mom but different dads, but me and my sister aren't that way, we're really close, i mean i can pretty much tell her anything that i want to, and vice versa. I mean the only time I talk to him is if I happen to answer my moms phone or if- he comes down to texas which is only once every few years, i talk to his wife more than him but he calls both my mom and sister and sends them both a text, and he does neither. I think the last time I remember him calling to actually talk to me, not for a question or what not- was my 18th birthday (I'm almost 21) and I remember my phone ringing when Isabel passed away, but when she passed I didn't want to talk to anyone but Isabel's family, IDK it just really made me cry I love my brother I really do, but I wonder if he conciders me his real sister or his half sister. It makes me sad.... It's probally all in my mind but this is how I feel.
On my Journey to loosing 30 pounds.
on the bright side, I'm loving the new place (:
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