So I've been doing alot of thinking

So first off- I need to graduate & I've been looking over some online GED it's easy and convienent for me for someone who is trying to finish their high school education who happens to also be a stay at home mom and wife, and with no car.. it's hard for me plus no money to be able to afford child care so I need to get that taken care of and I really need a job I don't really want to work but I NEED to, it's not a want it's a need and I need to do more things to make more money it's just going to be alot easier being able to bring in more money so that we're not always struggling with bills.

then here is another thing that has been on my mind- I want to really write a book. about the relationship that I have with my dad but yet not making it out as an autobiography making it a drama telling book/novel. I just really want to do this that not every father/daughter relationship is about a dad protecting his daughter or loving her unconditionally and i will send a copy to him myself and there will be no dedication to him in any kind of way, because he was never there for me, and he deserves it. I just really wish that I had a dad and it sucks that I don't and I'll always have the feeling of something missing and it sucks, but there is nothing that I can do about this, he caused this upon himself end of story.

then- today was one of the greatest days that I had with George, we went to a few stores today I cooked us some spagetti and boy was it yummy! I think I'm going to make him some enchiladas tomorrow. :) but he just kept coming up to me from behind and holding me and just kissing me on my lips my cheecks and all around my neck :) then when we were watching the game *go celtics* he pulled me from where i was and sat me on his lap for me to kiss him, it was so romantically cute.

loosing weight has been a challenge my weight keeps going up and down. which sux! i need to loose 42 pounds! yikes!

i hope your okay zeke.

well things haven't been great- well my husbands uncle, so i guess he's my uncle too since i'm married to my hubby lol idk. but anywho so about a month ago maybe longer... my husband's uncle Zeke got diagnosed with cancer and just yesterday my mother in law said that they took my father in law outside the room and said that there was no hope for him which makes me really sad and i even started to almost cried but i blinked away the tears, even though i don't know him very well and i haven't had many conversations with him, it still makes me sad that my husband is going to be very sad when it's time for him to move onto a better place. I know that when my husband talks to his uncle zeke on the phone he gets very happy and i don't wanna see him sad, it hurts you when the ones u care about the most are heart broken. It really does hurt my heart, But I know I'm going to have to be the strong one for my husband because I know he's going to lean on me for a shoulder to cry on and also for some support. I am praying for you zeke and i hope your doing a lot better, we all love you and are praying for your like crazy, and we're always going to be thinking of you.

update.

well things have been going well just trying to stay strict with my diet and trying to keep the weight off i lost about 13 pounds but then gained 3 back so it's a struggle but i just need to arrange my diet and have a routine so that doesn't happen- but over all i am doing soo great! and i am so happy to see my mom loosing weight and getting more healthy! it's good for her and i just wish my sister would use herbalife to loose weight and be healthy but i don't think she will and i just hope she doesn't get diabetic because of the weight and the fact that is does run in our family, but who knows? and i just really want her to stop handing off her kids to everyone, it's like she wants to have kids but not have the responsibility for them and that really pisses me off!!! but anywho- on to new things... my 21st birthday is coming up and i am getting soooo effin xcited!! i have no idea what i want to do yet but we'll see what kind of events come up for that day.... then rhylan's 2nd birthday party is coming up as well and we're exciting for my baby because he is going to get sooo spoiled :D but technically that's my day too since i went through all of that hard work bringing him into this world :) then the party we're having for herbalife.... then sometime during the summer Anita & her daughter are coming to see George's uncle Zeke. I'm kind of nervous about that though- I don't want any problems for George... Maybe I'll just sit this one out!! Who knows?
Well anyways, this is all for now. TATA!

i just want him to care....

I just want him to ask how my day was or if i burn myself on the burner say "are you ok" or just come up to me just to say i love you. just to text me and say "i miss you" he used to do everything like that... everyone was jealous of what we have. and now? i'm jealous of what they have. i just want the old george back, and i honestly don't know if that will ever happen. i am so depressed and he's not willing to make me happy. as long as he's happy then no one else matters. i just wish that i was able to drink like there was no tomorrow because then i could hide the pain with liquor. i would be a drunk, but then nobody would know how i felt, because i would be able to hide it by drinking. this sucks! :(

i hate this crap!

so a few days ago me and george had sex or as he likes to say "he made love to his wife" hehe he's the bessst! anywho- so now a few days later i only get my period from what i've noticed when me and george have sex and i honestly think that's so weird, but anywho- now i am in extreamly bad back ache pain it's horrible i think i would just feel a whole lot better if i could cry... but guess what? i can't. but yeah but other than that- last night me being so pissed about going to George's brothers? It wasn't that I was pissed it was just like I felt like I was told we were going I probally would have agreed if I was just asked, that's all I wanted. I mean I love every single one of my in-laws to death and I am one of the most outgoing people IN THE WORLD! but just ask! Grrr! LOL- But yeah it was David,Pat,Roland,Alex,Bridgette, Roland's 2 kids George & Myself- everyone was pretty much drunk except for me of course! I only had 2 drinks and that's because I had to make myself drink the 2nd one!! It was pretty damn strong! LOL!!! But I had a good night with my husband but I just really wanna "be with him" more and him to be more open! I think that's why i've been so bitchy and I hate being that way towards him, but This week Maybe Thursday I wanna cook a GREAT dinner for him, and maybe a dessert to just to show him how much I love him and how much I appriciate him for everything he does for our family and how i would marry him over and over again and not change a thing. He told me when we reach 10 years that he wants to re-new our vows and baby we'll get there, maybe next time we can have a beach wedding!! woot woot. but only our family can be there.. if that! lol. I just want something intimate (like i wanted the first time around!!) well other than that.. i've been on the search for a beautiful green dress! i want to wear some of my mothers day gifts and they are green so ugh. lol but i'm probally just going to have to wear the pink dress and then wear some cute jewelry... like the braclet/necklace my sister in law gave me from Hawaii... so yeah. i just need to find some damn matching shoes!!
lol. we bought my 21st birthday invitations today!! we bought like 24 invites for about 3 dollars. lol... so far on my guest list- Tania,Jacob,Gayla,Evelyn,Marissa,Michelle&Joe,Stacy,Paul,Trey,David & etc and idk who else yet- the only person out of those I can almost guarantee is Evelyn. I just need to find out what I can do so that the party isn't BORING! Like who wants to be bored at a 21st birthday party? not me. I gotta plan,plan,plan. :) if you have any ideas please let me know.

drinks,and decorations is what I need help with!!!!!!

feeling kind of depressed

i don't know what to do about this deasease that has a habbit of always coming back i hate it and my husband is just making it worse, i don't know there are times when i hate his guts times when i love him like no other (other than rhylan and my mom) times when i think i want him to leave times when i think i want a divorce or a seperation and times when i want no one to believe we're married other times when i want to see what would happen if a beautiful women were to approach him with and without a wedding ring. IDK- he says he's not very communitive and that he's not going to change but i need something, it's making my heart more and making me shut down!! and making me feel insecure, it took me years to put myself in a confident state and not always be so quiet but now it's returning and i don't know what to do, i just wish there was someone to talk too about this.

so much drama....

so last weekend was probally one of the worst weekends in my life.... i don't want to get into every single datail but long story short my dad's stupid wife and her stupid daughter caused some un-necessary drama which was caused by my dad for giving his stupid STEP daughter my number, if i wanted her to have it i would have given it to her in the first place, end of story. stupid man! so i talked to my dad's ex girlfriend Sherry, she has always been there for me through thick and thin and everytime my dad let me down or whatever was going to i talked to My mom and my sister and sherry she was always there for me to talk to, and i'm so happy she's not with my dad though, she is way too good for him and i am so happy she finally met someone who made her happy and i'm so happy their married, sherry really does deserve the best! anywho- so yeah he didn't defend me over his STAIN so i said eff it. i'm done with that drama and i don't want any part of it, I have my amazing husband George and our beautiful little boy Rhylan and my AWESOME step daughter Ilissa Nicole. :) they are my world! Especially with the help of all of my inlaws and my mom and siblings and nephews! SO that's that. Well in 6 days we'll be in south carolina, I am excited to go, since I haven't been on a plain since I was 11 or 12 years old... so I'm nervous and Just hoping that everything goes well, and everything. I am going to pack for us Thursday! So that By Saturday all we have to worry about is leaving. then we leave sunday and come back thursday. then me and my hubby can spend time together on his vacation!! we're due for some alone time together!! I'm thinking about going to the ER on his vacation... I've been having alot of back pains and horrible stomach pains... they suck! but hopefully the DR's there will be able to figure out what is going on with my body. But yeah- This week I am back on the herbalife diet. which should be good, so that I can be healthy and loose the weight that I need to loose, I want to feel great and feel great about myself, and that's something I do need. I want to step inside a room and someone be like damn! and I'm doing this the healthy way instead of getting some weight loss surgery... who inspired me? myself my mom and of course the BIGGEST LOSER. Along with my husband. We're voting for Sunshine to win! but if not her... then Sam or maybe Even Koli. Who knows? But for the at home challenge? O'Niel. or Drea. But yeah- well I'm just glad I have someone to do the Herbalife with... my best friend... My MOMMY! :) It's going to be great! Well tonight we used Skype for the first time!! We talked to George's sister Anita... "Debbie" It was cool, because she got to see Rhylan for the first time.... even me too! Even though I looked like crap! LOL- Buttttt! Um, I finally finished go ask alice, and it was a horrible book but I am going to keep it.. for my kids to read. It's a true story about what drugs can do to you. But- It's also Life touching, you can feel how real it really is. well that's all for now! G'nite. God Bless Everyone! && Please everyone pray for us for our flight and for us to arrive there and back SAFELY!