why do THEY keep pushing me...

I want to know why my mom keeps pushing me into being in contact with my dad, if he wants a "relationship" with me it should be on his end-i'm not going to him anymore i'm just not, not only that George doesn't like seeing me so upset over how my dad treats me or let his skanky wife do, and i would never do that and nor will I ever put my son around that he is my world- and if i was ever with someone else i would never in a million years let them talk to him however they wanted my son is my #1 and i do what is best for him and not for what is best for myself. Anyways that's all for now... Rhylan turns 2 tomorrow!!! ahhh. then his party saturday! woot wooot wooooot!

a little scared

so george got off work today and took a shower... that NEVER EVER happens, I have to tell him to take one when he really STANKS because usually he'll take one right before bed... why did he shower? was he with someone? idk- it has me worried- did he do something? idk i am probally tripping. but what if im not? idk- i hope not i don't wanna loose my new family they rock and their my world, idk. well anita and the clan will be here in about 3 weeks! and my party is in 2 weeks as well as my birthday oh my gosh i can not even begin to tell you how excited i am. i just wanna be with my husband more than anything i want to work out our marriage problems and i want us to be the golden couple that everyone envies. hopefully that happens....

thinking thinking thinking

so i've been extreamly "down" lately- I can't stop but help think of Zeke- I didn't even go to the room where Zeke was- I just couldn't after Isabel passed away it was extreamly hard for me to get over the death and of me loosing her.. and that's why I really didn't want too it's just WAY to hard for me to deal with because now I am TERRIFIED of death. I want to get to a point to where I accept it and I want to be totally in sync with JESUS, and I wanna have a closer relationship with all my in laws and my brother for that matter, I don't want to regret anything I want to be happy and love life and everyone in it-but onto other things I got a comment thing from Milissa and idk it said it was from ilissa that she got offended because she wasn't listed as my daughter- I didn't know if that would be okay with her because it kind of feels like de-ja vu because when i was 8 my dad met his whore of a girlfriend/wife whatev-and she controlled everything and he never stuck up for me and he never spent time alone with me and he did everything with her brat of a daughter and he lived in angleton and i lived in corpus some things are different her dad(george) lives in corpus and she lives in angleton i don't control stuff and i tell him to go spend time with her alone or with both the kids and i don't have a kid of my own nor would i ever want him to spend more time with my non exsisting other child than his own because that's not right but anyway back to the point i would be pissed if she listed me as her daughter i would throw my fit so bad she wouldn't know what hit her. So I didn't know where the limit was and now I know and it actually makes me happy to hear that she wanted me to post that she was my daughter it's not that i wanted her to be offended it's that she wants me to call her my daughter as well it really did because a while back i got into that fight w/ claudia and she said ilissa didn't even like me so it made me happy because if she was offended that means she likes me :) yay! well anyway- that's all for now.

everything going on.

well unfortunately the prayer didn't work not that it didn't work but GOD needed Zeke. Zeke passed away Tuesday morning, I am so sad about this... I did cry a little bit- I didn't know him to well I only saw him maybe about 5 times during the course of my relationship with George, but it doesn't mean that I wasn't sad about. But He's with GOD right now and his Lovely Wife Gloria. So we'll be going to Victoria tomorrow after my huney gets out of work so that we can so be there for the family, I just feel so sad because we saw him 2 days before he passed away we did say goodbye and george got to tell him that he loved him I just wished that my babe would have talked to him more.. But When we did see him I could see that he was in pain it hurt me alot because Zeke lost his life the same way my grandfather did and then I was about 11-12 years old so I really don't remember if my grandpa was suffering or if he was in pain. I just hate that anybody has to go through this. But anyway- the herbalife party is on Sunday. hopefully going to make some money and then rhylans birthday is coming up in about 2 weeks and 1 day and we're really excited that he's finally going to turn 2... but not ready for the TERRIBLE TWOS! and then in about 3 and 1/2 weeks is my 21st birthday! woot woot! no idea on what we're doing it.. but IT HAS TO BE BIG! haha :) anyways this is all for now. oh yeah and then about a week or maybe two later is me and my honeys 3 year ANNIVERSARY! yeah! lol ciao!

i have one of the best worlds the other not so good

well yesterday was supposed to be a good day spending with my family.. but it wasn't.
well... we go to the bank and what happens? a cash and go check went through a check that was supposed to be shredded but wasn't. how horrible are they! but anywho we had to pay $30 for them to stop that check, so now- yeah i've been talking it over with George about switching his bank accounts to maybe mine or even a different bank just so that we can avoid all of these money problems, but I am working really hard to try and bring in some more money so that's why i'm trying to figure out some things if i could work i would but i can't, 1) I can't afford the childcare & 2)no way to get there lol... but we're working on getting me a car it's kind of hard doing things with no car... but i must make sacrifices for me and my family, but anywho the good part about yesterday? well for me no more pocket! butttt.I got sprint and i finally got my blackberry! my real blackberry not one that looks like one whoo hoo! & i absolutely love it! plus i can do more buisness on it. and that will be good for us i'm just praying and hoping i can make some more money and not let anyone think i'm just mooching. he's my husband and i love him more than life even if i do hate him 10% of the time. but 90% i'm madly in love :) Anyways that's all for now!

So I've been doing alot of thinking

So first off- I need to graduate & I've been looking over some online GED it's easy and convienent for me for someone who is trying to finish their high school education who happens to also be a stay at home mom and wife, and with no car.. it's hard for me plus no money to be able to afford child care so I need to get that taken care of and I really need a job I don't really want to work but I NEED to, it's not a want it's a need and I need to do more things to make more money it's just going to be alot easier being able to bring in more money so that we're not always struggling with bills.

then here is another thing that has been on my mind- I want to really write a book. about the relationship that I have with my dad but yet not making it out as an autobiography making it a drama telling book/novel. I just really want to do this that not every father/daughter relationship is about a dad protecting his daughter or loving her unconditionally and i will send a copy to him myself and there will be no dedication to him in any kind of way, because he was never there for me, and he deserves it. I just really wish that I had a dad and it sucks that I don't and I'll always have the feeling of something missing and it sucks, but there is nothing that I can do about this, he caused this upon himself end of story.

then- today was one of the greatest days that I had with George, we went to a few stores today I cooked us some spagetti and boy was it yummy! I think I'm going to make him some enchiladas tomorrow. :) but he just kept coming up to me from behind and holding me and just kissing me on my lips my cheecks and all around my neck :) then when we were watching the game *go celtics* he pulled me from where i was and sat me on his lap for me to kiss him, it was so romantically cute.

loosing weight has been a challenge my weight keeps going up and down. which sux! i need to loose 42 pounds! yikes!

i hope your okay zeke.

well things haven't been great- well my husbands uncle, so i guess he's my uncle too since i'm married to my hubby lol idk. but anywho so about a month ago maybe longer... my husband's uncle Zeke got diagnosed with cancer and just yesterday my mother in law said that they took my father in law outside the room and said that there was no hope for him which makes me really sad and i even started to almost cried but i blinked away the tears, even though i don't know him very well and i haven't had many conversations with him, it still makes me sad that my husband is going to be very sad when it's time for him to move onto a better place. I know that when my husband talks to his uncle zeke on the phone he gets very happy and i don't wanna see him sad, it hurts you when the ones u care about the most are heart broken. It really does hurt my heart, But I know I'm going to have to be the strong one for my husband because I know he's going to lean on me for a shoulder to cry on and also for some support. I am praying for you zeke and i hope your doing a lot better, we all love you and are praying for your like crazy, and we're always going to be thinking of you.